Babies committing hate crimes?

photo courtesy of

photo courtesy of

Luke Winters, Staff Writer

As of late, a terrible epidemic has cursed the city of Rancho Cucamonga. No, not Covid-19 but something far more sinister. The babies of our fair city are rising up against us. Why this is, no one can tell for sure. Several students of Alta Loma High School have reported hate crimes committed against them by random babies that they have encountered. The rate at which the these crimes are being committed is increasing alarmingly.

These acts of what can only be called pure evil are not random, however. Some students believe these attacks to be racially motivated. Why exactly the infants of our society have decided to engage in this ruthless insurgence can not be determine, but the issue is very real and can not be ignored any longer.

“The babies are starting a revolution. They will no longer be controlled by the elders, nor contained by the law. They’re out for blood. They use their cuteness to their advantage and attack when least expected. Chaos will flood the cities, and the world… will never be the same,” said Irelynn Nelson, freshman at Alta Loma High School.

So far, the babies wrath has been contained to mere rude gestures, but who knows what they might do in the future. From screaming and crying to swearing and cursing. Burps and vomiting may become targeted attacks. Diapers are easy projectiles. Beware, Rancho Cucamonga. There is a threat in our midst that none of us would ever have thought to suspect.