Stubborn Philosopher finds meaning of Life; But Won’t Share It

photo courtesy of

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Jacob Lopez, Staff Writer

An insight of endless beauty, once thought incomprehensible, was gently bestowed upon a singular human being. This man claims to have discovered the meaning of life, yet he will not divulge of this enlightenment with others.

The man has refused to let us quote him, but he did allow us to interview him. He explained that he studied philosophy in college and was always frustrated with the many beliefs and opinions that people could have. That is what lead to him dedicating his life to finding the one true meaning.

This philosopher is very stubborn and hasn’t spoken a word of his divine knowledge to anyone. Even close friends and family couldn’t get anything out of him. His unforthcoming nature has caused ample amounts of skepticism among his colleagues.

A stoic philosophy student at Columbia University is keeping their frustration to themselves, but for all we know this may be the last emotion they suppress. Younger hedonist students are planning a philosophical ambush on the stubborn philosopher. Epistemologists believe that he has only formed a brand-new opinion, but their confidence in that reservation is waning.

The meaning existence has been in our minds for thousands of years, and maybe because of some primordial desire to know why. Throughout the entire history of human thought, there has never been one concept, theory or idea that was made by humanity in the absence of humanity. Nothing is beyond the reach of one person.

The stubborn philosopher is now planning new endeavors. He sees this as the final chapter of his life and is now determined to discover the meaning of death before he leaves his mortal existence. Unfortunately, he won’t be around to tell us the meaning of death, but hopefully he’ll at least tell us the meaning of life before he passes.