The Minions: International Terrorist Fiends

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Yours Truly, Nizar Eid Al Masri

Nizar Masri, Staff Writer

     Since the dawn of time, the Minions have been there, judge, jury, and executioner of the millions of innocents trampled in their path. Today the minions face the ICC in Hague, on the first day of their trial the reading of their charges took 4 hours. During which a minion was charged with contempt of court for snickering “banana!” when their crimes during the Vietnam war were listed.

     After much controversy and protest, it was decided that the minions could only be charged for crimes they committed after the establishment of the international court in 1945. Leaving 285 armed conflicts since then, the minions have been involved in or have instigated all of them. Their continuation of their childish gimmicks and cartoonish gags have left the international community in outrage. The use of the “fart gun” on peace officers during their detainment which took 126 lives was enough to classify it as a weapon of mass destruction.

     The minions haven’t shown a morsel of regret, not that it would affect their sentencing given the severity and sheer quantity of their crimes. Snipers armed with elephant tranquilizers keep a watchful eye on the minions’ comically large bench. Aiming to prevent another silly bout of musical theater causing great grief to the families of the victims. Dr. Nefario, charged with accessory to war crimes has also been charged with supplying cutting edge goofy weapons to the world’s most oppressive regimes. This was discovered only after his shrinking ray technology detonated via Russian warhead, shrinking 318 Ukrainians to ant sized levels.